Loading ...- Category:
- Soap Box
- Author:
- Contributor
- Posted:
- Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Am I meant to wait three or four days to call after a date? Is it too much to text again today? Should I ask them on another date this week? These questions and many just like them fill the head of someone who is riding the rollercoaster of the early days of dating. Whether girls should wait to be pursued and males should be treated like elastic bands are questions I will leave for John Gray (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus) and Greg Behrendt (He’s Just Not That Into You) to cover.
Although both these men give great advice, once you are armed with their knowledge, how much do you give and take? If you know a man delights in the pleasure of pursuing you, do you let him get all his own way, pursuing you when he pleases, or can there be some compromise? Furthermore, the advice of these dating gurus seems to fall short if you are gay. Lesbians would spend there whole lives waiting to be pursued if they listened to John and Greg.
I’d like to propose my own tried and tested technique. If you would like to have a relationship with someone where you are two equals, giving and taking while both equally fulfilling each others needs, then try what I call -œThe Mirror Technique. Simply explained, the Mirror Techique says you give someone exactly the amount back as they give you or behave in a way that reflects how they treat you. If someone calls you twice a week, you call them twice a week.
Some people like to play hard to get. The idea of someone pursuing you to prove they are really interested in you can seem thrilling, but as soon as you start this you are setting up some form of power play. Either you are dominating the relationship by making the other person jump through hoops, or you are allowing them to dominate by choosing when to act and when not to.
The other side of the coin is to be the pursuer, the knight coming gallantly on the white horse to save and woo your beloved. The problem is, sometimes your beloved doesn’t want to be wooed, and while we are talking about horses, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. When it comes to love it’s very difficult to make someone fall for you. Calling them five times a day to ask how their day is going when they never bother to call you suggests that this is not the beginnings of a happy, balanced relationship. I once had a keen pursuer text me at 7am on a Wednesday to ask me how my day was going. Not too much usually happens pre-7am in my life. It is quite possible you are going to widen the gap between you, as they can feel awkward that they are not willing to give you what you give them.
So when your next love conquest begins, try the Mirror Technique each time you catch yourself thinking, -œShould I text, ring, drop by, buy them lunch, walk their dog, visit their mother, etc. When they start reflecting the same amount of attention back at the rate you feel comfortable with, you’ve found a keeper who respects you as an equal. You can always try to manipulate a situation to get something from the object of your desire but I say if you play games, you’ll only end up dating children.
